So You Want To Get Married?
Please Note:  This article was written specifically with homosexual men and women in mind.  And it can be quite useful for our heterosexual brothers and sisters as well. 

Like the rest of us gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people, I was thrilled to hear the news of the California Supreme Court ruling on May 15, 2008, which stated that banning same sex couples from getting married was against our constitutional rights.  Ya think?!?!  I was also, after my momentary sarcasm, filled with a deep sense of gratitude to everyone out there who has ever had anything to do with making this new civil liberty a reality for all of us.

Over the centuries, and I’m not trying to be dramatic here, just truthful, we’ve been the best men, the ushers, the bridesmaids, and the attendants.  We’ve supported, shopped for, and participated in heterosexual weddings since the beginning of remembered time.  Now we get to do it.  It took me a minute to get my head screwed back on with this reversal of fortune.  Whatever planets aligned to make this happen, I’m grateful.  So now what?

After decades (my whole life actually) of supporting friends and family in their wedding experiences, it gives me great joy, which frankly may be the understatement of the year, to finally be able to do this not only for myself, should I choose, but as a minister for my very own brothers and sisters of perpetual faith and perseverance.

So you want to get married?  While this seems like a basic question with an easy answer, we gays, and I’m including all of us with the use of this particular adjective, are in what I believe we’d all agree is uncharted territory. 

I had a commitment ceremony back in ’96.  My partner at the time and I had one ceremony in Los Angeles, with the main event in New York, and a honeymoon on Fire Island.  Looking back, I’d have to say it was all very traditional.  The only thing missing was a dress, but that’s hindsight. 

We wrote our own vows, and as a catering professional at the time (yes, I’ve seen a lot of weddings in my day!), I planned the whole thing.  I ordered the flowers, handled the rentals, secured the location, got the musicians, bought our suits, and made flight arrangements.  I insisted we have a big tart as our wedding cake; by all means have fun with that metaphor.  It rained, and let me tell you, this is one of the biggest lessons for an outside affair–make sure you’ve got back up plans, which include either a covered or inside area.  And lest we forget, the whole thing costs money. 

I share all of this with you because these are some of the elements you’ll be thinking about and working with in the days, weeks, and months leading up to your special day, or not.  Ultimately, we get to do marriage however we want to.  It could be as simple as a Civil Marriage Ceremony performed at one of eight City Halls in Los Angeles County (cost: $25.00 in addition to the marriage license fee).  All you need do is schedule an appointment and bring a witness. And between you and me, it’s probably best not to mention this option to Martha Stewart.

Most importantly, you’ll need a marriage license from city hall.  In Los Angeles County, it costs $70.  You show up in person, bring valid I.D., get there before noon for same day service, wait between two to four hours, and shazam, you’ve got a marriage license, which is valid for ninety days and must be executed in the state where it’s issued.  No wonder all those heterosexuals do it!  It’s cheap and easy, kind of like gay sex, only different.  Oh, wait, let me re-phrase that, “kind of like gay sex for singles, only different.”  There, that’s better.  Like I said, uncharted territory.

City Hall’s probably the easiest part of the wedding process; it’s the rest of the getting married experience that can feel like a rollercoaster.  There are the flowers, the dress or suit, the cake, the band or DJ, the minister, priest, rabbi, or guru, the wedding ceremony and reception locations, invitations, as well as all the pre-ceremony parties, including the bridal shower, which could become the new gold standard of fun for all the men out there, or a bachelorette party for you gals.  Who’ll do which one what way?  Will only one of us attend, or both partners?  Or will we choose to do away with these pre-parties and all they entail heading straight, if you’ll pardon the expression, to the main event?

There are many questions to address, but to me, the best part now is we get to answer them however we want.  There are no rules, and while there are traditions available to us, we get to make our special day whatever way we want it to be.  Don’t forget the tissues.

To get spiritual here for a moment, and I am a minister after all, this is also a great opportunity for us to look at any judgments we might have against the archetype of marriage.  It’s been around for what seems like an eternity, and we’ve always been on the outside of it looking in.  Now, as we step into the inner circle of marriage, we have an opportunity to do so with a clean consciousness and clear heart.  In doing so, we not only release any negativity that might be present inside ourselves, we also open the way for creating a ceremony and wedding experience filled with joy, loving, and celebration, the very best hallmarks of this sacred event.

There’s a great opportunity to rewrite our history, so to speak, in our own vows to one another.  We’ll now have the chance to stand up in front of God/Spirit/Our Higher Power and announce to the world, or at least our family and friends, that this person across from us is the one.  What will you say to your bride or groom-to-be that fully expresses your love, compassion, and intention to be with this other person for as long as you both shall live?  Think about that one for a minute.  Suddenly, gay relationships take on a whole new meaning, at least in the eyes of the law.  It’s not so easy to get divorced.

As a minister and spiritual counselor, I’d be remiss if I didn’t recommend sitting down with one another and talking about what marriage means to you both before the big day comes.  Any stone left unturned will surely be felt later.  It’s so much easier to take time beforehand communicating what’s on your mind and in your heart.

In both the Christian and Jewish traditions, there’s what’s called pre-marital counseling.  While I’m sure many of you already know this, fewer of us have actually done it. It’s absolutely worth mentioning and can make a significant difference in the success of your marriage.  This type of counseling prior to marriage gives couples, traditionally heterosexual, the opportunity to review and talk through the meaning of marriage, its responsibilities, as well as its challenges as each partner sees them, and what a marriage looks like from a spiritual perspective.  Often it’s the first conversation many couples have about their expectations as well as their spiritual beliefs.  It’s a time to open up, share concerns, clarify understanding, set intentions, and create an ideal scene around what both individuals want their marriage to look like.

For many of us, there won’t be an opportunity or a desire to seek counseling from a priest or rabbi.  But rest assured, there are many highly qualified individuals out there who do this type of spiritual pre-marital counseling, and who will fit your particular belief system whatever that might be.  Consider it an insurance policy, and perhaps one of the most valuable ones you’ll ever take out.

Once you’ve had a session or two, you’ll have cleared some fears or possible upset, gotten on the same proverbial page with your life partner, and set a course for the direction of your marriage.  When the actual wedding day comes, you’ll walk down the aisle into a relationship of your choosing with as much clarity and due diligence as is possible at this time.  A pre-marital counseling experience is an excellent way to prepare the soil for growing this sacred union called marriage.

My greatest wish for all of us is that this new opportunity to legally marry will assist us in continuing to heal our selves–our self-esteem, our hearts, and us, as a collective group of people.  And since we all are ultimately connected in some deep, unseen way, gay and straight alike, as one of us heals, the rest of us get lifted as well.

Peace, Love, and Light to us all,

Reverend Barry